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Recovering From Neurosurgery

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Perhaps I should have titled this ‘You Have No Idea What Pain Is!’… Don’t worry; I’m not going to whinge about it. The surgery turned out to be more complicated than the surgeon first thought and instead of correcting three vertebrae, five had to opened to relieve pressure on my spinal cord. They filled in the openings in the vertebrae with bone taken from my pelvis and then bolted everything together with titanium plates. As a result, my neurosurgeon had to call in one of his partners to assist in the surgery and I was on the operating table for eight hours instead of the anticipated four hours.

MorphineWhen I awoke, the doctor made sure I could move my toes and fingers and such and that I could feel them. I was in absolutely no pain then. Thank you, whoever found a way to produce morphine! Couldn’t talk tho, as when they go in through an incision on your throat, the use a special tool to move your esophagus and trachea out of the way. As a result, you end up with one hell of fucking sore throat and a pronounced inability to swallow. Liquid foods only.

EDK PumpMy doctor said once the morphine wore off, I would likely have a lot of pain. Was THAT an understatement. I was so glad that they gave me a button to press that metered out a dose of morphine into my IV whenever I pressed it. I should say, however, that it wasn’t entirely under my control; I could get morphine as I needed it, but it kept track of how much was dispensed per hour and would not exceed the maximum dosage to which it was set. But I’m not greedy. It met me needs the way it was set up, but there were times when it got close.

Ok. let me start off by saying that I have had many different things inserted in one orifice or another, but I have never, ever had a catherer stuck in me. I can understand the reasoning; you don’t want someone knocked out for more than eight hours spraying piss all over the operating room. I get it. But they stick this tube up your urethra into your bladder to continually drain urine.You have no control over it and it feels like you’re constantly wetting the bed. Then comes the day you’re being released and it’s time to remove it. My issue was I was unconscious when it was inserted and fully awake when they intended to pull it out. I asked the nurse if it was going to hurt. He looked at me (yes, it was a male nurse) and said “It’s not going to be pleasant.” he saw the look of terror on me face and said he’d go talk to the doctor on the floor. A couple of minutes later he returns with a small plastic cup and hands to me. I looked at him and he said “Seconal. Take them and I’ll be back in 20 minutes.” I was never so grateful! He came back in along with a nurse’s aide and asked how I was feeling. To be honest, I was a fucking space cadet. He lifted the sheet, spread my legs (that sounds so much more sensual than it was!) and it was all over in a few seconds. I was so glad I was stoned out because I could still feel the pain, but I didn’t care. He covered me up and said all of my discharge papers had been approved and I could be picked up by my family as soon as I could pee on my own. I drank about 3 pitchers of water but I finally managed to squeeze some out! Yay! I was free!

OxycodoneThey sent me home with a script for a hundred Oxycodone (otherwise known as hillbilly heroin) and a warning that once the morphine shot they game me just before leaving wore off, I was going to be in a lot of pain. For me, anyway, the morphine didn’t wear off gradually with the pain easing in. No, it was more like someone hit the light switch. BAM! My entire back from my waist upto and over my shoulders was on fire with pain. It was like how muscles feel the day after you first start working out and you overdo it. Only more so. A lot more so. Funny thing about the Oxy’s. At least for me, they don’t get rid of the pain. If you concentrate, the pain is still there, but you don’t give a shit, which is fine. But you know, these days when you walk into a chemist’s and hand them a script for what is basically legal heroin, you automatically get the stink-eye. Right. I’m wearing this fucking collar as a fashion statement and I have a 4 inch scar across my throat because I was shaving me armpits and the razor slipped. He stared at the script, stared at me and stared at the script some more. My script called for 2 pills every 4 hours. That’s 12 pills a day. If you do the math, 100 pills is an 8 day supply. It took summoning the manager, forcing him to call my surgeon’s office and threatening to file a formal complaint with their corporate office calling the local newspapers but I finally got my meds. The whole experience left me outraged that everyone assumes the worst of everyone else by default. I will never spend another cent in that establishment and I will file a complaint with their corporate drones. Fucking morons.

Rigid Neck BraceAnyway, after about a month, I was able to give up the painkillers and my doctor put me in a soft collar instead of the rigid plastic neck brace. I go back on Tuesday for evaluation and I hope I’m healed up enough to get some more privileges back. Like driving. Wearing the collar I can’t drive because I can’t turn my head. I can’t interview for work looking like a refugee from a whiplash scam. I can’t even get laid due to the rapid repetitive motion! I do admit, however, that it hasn’t stopped me masturbating…. (grin)

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